T.I.T.S. for May 31, 2024 | Livvy Dunne | Charley Hull | Kayla Simmons (2024)

It’s news. It’s sports. It’s commentary on weird sh*t from around the internet.

It’s Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects, our weekly digest of curated links designed to keep you abreast of very important news!

Very Important News!

You know I was with her up until the "flogging dirty bath water" part. Who doesn't love a good story about an ugly duckling turning into a beautiful swan who makes all the other boy swans regret not being nice to her during swan-high school, missing out on the chance to have swan sex with her, and making little cygnets with her? I love that type of story. Not swan sex, mind you. I just like tales of overcoming obstacles and self-realization.

Then she had to go on about selling her dirty bath water, which makes me think . . . did she get the last laugh here? Is this a win? Is selling "dirty bath water, muddy shoes, and worn slippers" for men to consume/sniff while furiously pleasuring themselves something to be proud of? I would say this type of self-degradation suggests that this Swan carries with her some baggage from her ugly duckling days. Perhaps her swan-father didn't love her enough? Or maybe she fell in love with a swan who she later found having swan sex with her swan best friend, leading her to suffer from low swan-self-esteem? Maybe this swan sells her dirty pond water to fill the God-shaped hole in her swan heart?

Look, this swan analogy made sense in my head, alright?

Marjorie Taylor Greene is often humorous and makes people I do not agree with very angry, but her particular brand of politics is not my cup of tea per se. Put another way, MTG is nuttier than squirrel turds, but perhaps serves some kind of purpose in the grand scheme of GOP politics.

She also looks pretty damn good in a bikini after 50 loops around the sun. While I question how we've arrived at a place where representatives in Congress post photos of themselves in swimwear, I am choosing to ignore such absurdities for the time being. No, I think our efforts are best spent focusing instead on the real issue at hand: MTG, clad in a sky-blue two-piece with her Quaint-QAnon-Quinces on full display, is making her case for Flappr's 2024 IBTC Division crown currently held by Anna Paulina Luna.

While it's still early in this year's Milker of the Year cycle, our nominating committee has taken notice of this bold display of bite-sized-bosomry. MTG, known for her bluntness in both intellect and tone, delivered a message that the realm of fair-sized feeders need not be considered bereft of contenders this year. Noticed received, Ms. Greene, and a happy birthday to you.

This very jiggly woman reveals some turbulent truths

This video blew up the Twittersphere on Tuesday. Flappr was tagged about 50 times in various low-effort iterations of tweets about this McJiggleTitted lass. Yes, has Jumbo Gelatinous Jugs. Yes, she probably made this video in hopes it would go viral and help promote her OnlyFans account. But she also says a few things that ring true about modern men and modern dating.

Most notably, I do feel that while dating apps have made courtship more convenient, they have also brought about dating app culture which can impede the building of long-lasting relationships. For most women, another suitor is only a swipe away - this can result in a chilling effect for a lot of men and impatience among most women. Why settle for a man who fails to check all boxes when several other candidates remain on standby, waiting for their chance to pluck the rose? Why invest one's best efforts when the woman across the dinner table is potentially setting up her next date before the 'loaded 'tater skins' app even arrives? Why risk bold, masculine, and forward about your intents and desires when such boldness might be recast as over-aggressive and result in you being the subject of a viral TikTok video where your behaviors are lambasted as "ick"?

She's also right about the problems that p*rn presents young men of our day. I am no Puritan when it comes to erotic adventures captured on film, but I did not grow up in an age where backdoor midget gangb*ngs were available at my fingertips. Call me old-fashioned, but a stray Playboy and 56K dial-up modem candid photos of women with unkempt, hairy, pubic regions seem like a moderated and sensible introduction to the female mystique as compared to the countless terabytes of human degradation freely available to young men these days.

I used to laugh at and dismiss adults, mostly devout Christians or feminists, who said that p*rn polluted the brains of men and caused them to have unrealistic expectations of what sex can and should be. Ultimately, I think they were more right than wrong. p*rn shouldn't be banned, but it is a problem in our society and it's one without a clear answer.

Heavy stuff from an alleged sm*t blog.

Regular News!

Trump Verdict: GUILTY

I am writing this as all 34 guilty verdicts are coming in and it's surreal. Everyone involved should be ashamed. The judge and the DA most among them. I expected this outcome, but I did not expect that it would make me this angry. It didn't have to be this way. We didn't have to cross this Rubicon for whatever these charges are supposed to punish. This was stupid. This is going to result in long-term consequences the likes of which we cannot discern today.

40 percent of Americans will be thrilled by this outcome. Another 40 percent of Americans will be apoplectic (and I don't blame them). The way that the other 20 percent of Americans react will be telling. Either independents will see this prosecution for the political lawfare that it was, or they won't, and they'll slurp up Biden calling Trump a convicted felon for the next 4 months.

How that 20 percent of Americans perceive this verdict has import far beyond the outcome of any election. If non-partisans find themselves undisturbed by convicting a former president / current nominee during an election year, in a hostile jurisdiction, on charges brought by a DA who campaigned on prosecuting that individual . . . then we have much bigger problems than whoever occupies 1600 Pennsylvania avenue.

Who knows where we go from here? Trump will appeal. It will take months, if not years, to get his case heard. It's not often I feel bad for any politician I'm much more inclined to feel contempt for them, but I do feel bad for Trump - at least for today. For everything that some might say he deserves, he did not deserve this for this. This was a disgraceful perversion of our justice system and another mile marker on our road towards banana republic status.

The Polls: Trump is still winning in all battleground states

The RCP polling averages in the top battleground states remain, more or less, unchanged from the previous week. Trump is up a bit in Nevada, Georgia, and Pennsylvania. Biden gained ground in Michigan and Arizona.

The potential game changer here is Alvin Bragg's disgraceful, politically motivated, prosecution. Yet, if polling on the subject is to be believed, people will not care about the outcome.

According to the article, Pope Francis told the Italian Episcopal Conference in a private meeting that there is already too much "f-----ness" in some seminaries. Then, according to reports, the Pope went on to reaffirm his position that hom*osexuals should not be allowed to enter the priesthood.

This Holy Father has been the most progressive Holy Father I've seen in my lifetime. Some might even call this Holy Father "woke" or "gay", but I will not because Pope Francis is the Lord's representative on this and I'm a good catholic boy. So, to see Pope Francis, the pontiff who approved blessings for gay couples (though not for gay marriage), use a derogatory term for hom*osexual is shocking.

I suppose the lesson to be learned here is that even Jesuits can say based stuff now and again.

The one in which Robert Stacy McCain shares wisdom on memorializing our warrior forebears:

"As Americans, we are the heirs of a tradition, profoundly indebted to earlier generations, and owing them a certain duty of gratitude. We must recall that “We the People” ordained the Constitution to “secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.” If we are grateful for that inheritance — as we should be — then we ought to act in such a manner as to show ourselves worthy of our liberty, considering what tremendous sacrifices were required to obtain and keep it."

This was a poignant Memorial Day piece by RSM. Highly encourage everyone to give it a read a learn about an American family's lineage of military service.

The one where David shares an . . . . ASMR video. Not going to delve into this blog any further than that.

Proceed with caution.

Sports! Sports! Sports!

NHL Playoffs:

Edmonton Oilers vs. Dallas Stars (series tied 2-2)

After falling behind 2-0 in a pivotal Game 4 on Wednesday night, the Oilers scored five unanswered goals to knot this series up at two games apiece. The second goal of the game came from Evan Bouchard (or "Pooshart" to some) on a rebound from a shot by Connor McDavid. But it wasn't really a shot by McDavid, it was a pass off the goalie. Observe.

Not sure if this gif did this justice, but I promise you that the shot from McDavid was intended to create a rebound for Bouchard to tap home. This is the type of next-level strategy, skill, and intuition that the NHL operates on these days. It's amazing.

New York Rangers vs Florida Panthers (series tied 2-2)

This series is also tied up 2-2 going into Game 5 at Madison Square Garden on Thursday night. The Panthers won Game 4, which included some of the most ridiculous stick work I've ever seen in a high-pressure hockey game. Observe.

That's hard to do when just f*cking around with friends during practice. Doing it in the middle of a conference final game is a testament to the talent of these players.

NBA Playoffs:

I guess it's going to be the Celtics vs the Mavs in the NBA Finals. Don't care.

A couple of weeks back, I wrote about how Bill Belichick was going to learn of Kayla Simmons' tireless efforts to create S-Tier content while dealing with a torn ACL and make her the starting quarterback on his own eGirl sports influencer football team. That was supposed to be a joke, but did you see that spiral? That was a f*cking dart, with a torn ACL no less. She can catch too! One-handed! All joking aside, you can tell when someone is a naturally gifted athlete and Simmons fits the mold. I'm guessing you could put any type of ball in her hand (giggity) and she'd be good at manipulating it with her hand (giggity). Plus, she's a lefty to boot!

Yes, it was suggested in jest, but if Bill Belichick put on this tape, I think he'd see the same type of talent that I do. Yes, the idea of an eGirl sports influencer football team is silly, but is it so absurd of an idea when the New York Jets exist? Yes, I was joking, but we may be getting closer and closer to seeing this idea come to fruition. Let's pray that's the case.

Seriously, though, did you see her throw? Very impressive. Rocket arm.

Look at these two human specimens. In their early 20's, at the peak of their respective sports, rich, attractive, and in love.

You know, young love has been revered through the ages for a reason. The passion, the freedom, the feeling that nothing could go wrong – it reminds us that romance can be and once was unbound by the responsibilities of adulthood. It's intoxicating to look upon.

You know, I wasn't initially a fan of "Livvy Dunne". The first time I heard her name it was associated with terms like "Baby Gronk" and "Rizz", which made my millennial brain grumble and hiss at such frivolous retardation. But I am a fan of "Olivia Dunne", an NCAA champion gymnast, a social media entrepreneur, and the most promising SSO prospect to emerge on the scene since another Olivia (Culpo) turned heads nearly a decade ago.

The combined powers of Olivia and Paul have a chance to achieve something not yet seen in the age of social media - be an example of young lovers that defy the odds, get married, and start a family together. The ultimate zoomer narrative breakers. Let's hope love wins (but in reality, their relationship is probably just a marketing campaign, they'll 'break up' at the end of summer, and Livvy will be doing OF by the end of 2026). I choose hope over cynicism, and so should you.

If smoking is so bad, then why do girls look so hot while doing it? Yes, yes, smoking is bad for you, but the aesthetics of smoking are undeniably cool. When a gal puffs on a square, the combination of rebellion, sophistication, and hint of danger is intoxicating. I didn't even know who Charley Hull was until 10 minutes ago, but she's now my favorite LPGA golfer because a chick smoking on the golf course is sexy. Add to the fact that Hull is smoking on a golf course, where decorum and stodginess are expected, and it just adds to the naughtiness vibe. I don't care about the type of example she's setting for young girls, it's f*cking cool. Not everyone has to be a role model.

She's the antithesis of Flappr's All-American Boy, Brock Purdy, but that's why she's cool. In fact, Charley is now Flappr's All-American Not-Your-Girl-Next-Door, a new title I just made up. Apparently, Hull is from England, but we're just going to ignore that for jurisdictional reasons (Flappr's title-issuing powers do not extend across the pond).

Go Charley, Go. We're rooting for you.

We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):

Yes, that's "Hockey Goalie Mikayla Demaiter" and she is "Flaunting her Body In [a] Blue Body Suit". Yes, this is a literal BSO headline, but more importantly - happy birthday, Hockey Goalie, Mikayla Demaiter. We don't typically get the opportunity to send such wishes around here and Mikayla has bestowed so much content to this blog that we feel a bit guilty that we don't have a gift for her.

We should change that. If by chance Mikayla stumbles upon this blog, we would like to offer her a free Flappr swimsuit of her choice.

Look at that. So classy. So sophisticated. Totally on the house. Gratis. No money required. Just hit us up, Mikayla. We're not perverts. We're journalists. We swear.

Meme of the Week!

This week's winner is none other than the man, the myth, the legend, The Man with the Golden Dick, Doctor co*ck n' Balls, @Richard_Haramabe. This meme is a sobering reminder that today is May 31st, which means tomorrow is the onset of a full month of mind-numbing corporate pandering to one of the least oppressed and most overrepresented groups in American society today. Steel thyself, heterosexual men and women of the West, pride month is coming and things are about to get very, very, gay.

But perhaps less gay than in years gone by? If last year serves as any indicator, that may be the case. From my own anecdotal experience, things did seem less rainbow-y than usual. Let's hope that's the case.

When asked for comment on his win this week, @Richard_Haramabe shared the following for publication:

Well said, Doc. Well said, indeed.

Some Flappr Blogs!